I went to Chris's place and it was like before, except I know it wasn't. He hugged me three times when I said I was leaving, each time I thought for sure he was going to kiss me. Despite knowing better, my body was entirely braced for it. All that residual tension was still there but without reciprocation. I just don't know what to do with that. Even now, knowing how stupid it was, there's that tiny nagging voice suggesting if I just stick with this and give him time, we'll end up back together. It's ridiculous because even if he were interested, after the way things went before, Russ would not be okay with it. He'd eventually give the okay because he doesn't hold me back, even when I'm being stupid, but I know he'd not actually be okay with it. And really, it'd be exceptionally selfish. When things went bad, he was gone for the most of a few months. We barely spoke, he was afraid to come over and he didn't talk with Russ. Knowing that could happen again, it's absurd that I would even consider it.
And, of course, it's not happening. He doesn't want it. So why can't I get over him?
I guess that's not exactly new for me though. Even when it makes no sense, even when it's a mess of more lies than truth, even when it hurts and hurts and hurts. I look back and I get stupid. How many times I thought about messaging her just this past week. I have no right and she has no right to invoke that in me, but it's there. It's wrong and it won't ever be right. We lost the chance to be right when she gave up on it being just us and ran away. I was stupid to think it'd be any better this last time, but I wanted so desperately to hold her again, to be close, to just talk and talk and talk.
Am I just sad and desperate?
I'm happy with my marriage and my kids and even my home as of late. I have some decent friends. I have great schools. My professors are mostly fantastic. I have all sorts of "jobs" that are fulfilling and important. I have a boyfriend who seems to adore me and genuinely want me around. I have music all I want. I have my book which is actually going somewhere and will be finished with the finish of the year. I shouldn't be looking back. I shouldn't want to.
but I do.
Bad wolf, no that’s past, goodbye, no that’s future, where am I, what is my name?
What is, what will be, what was, all whirling around and around all the same
This hardware’s so strange, this heart is so small, it’s no wonder to me you need two
But now I have one more than I did before
And it’s beating for you
I stole you when you stole me and for seven centuries we’ve survived
But now I can finally reach out and hold your hand
Because now I’m alive and free, you’re here with me, I’m not stuck as a box big and blue
Our lives are in danger, our time is running out, but then what else is new?
So much to say but I can’t find the words, and this short time we can’t renew
Stop! I won’t calibrate and derive
Because now I’m alive
Everyone has their favorite version of you, but I loved every one
You’ve fixed me again and again, even when I blew up, burning bright as a sun
Time And Relative Dimension In Space
What’s it all matter if I can know your name
But I can’t touch your face?
Daleks and Cybermen, angels and Silence, we’ve run till my circuitry’s fried
Run with me now, ‘cause for now I’ve still got legs
And for now I’m alive, I’m home, we’re here alone, and you’re finally meeting my eyes
You’re still my thief, but I’m a new person even I don’t recognize
And for once time is out of my hands and soon we must return to the skies
This form, unlike yours, can’t revive
But for now I’m alive
You’ve called me Sexy, don’t think I don’t know
I’ve taken you everywhere you’ve needed to go
My beautiful idiot, I’m fading away
Must go back in the box if I want to stay
Can you still hear me? I’m almost gone and that big sad word has arrived
Doctor, dry your tears, remember I’ll still be here
And I’ll still be alive and blue, still there for you, ready for each new attack
Your brothers are gone, my sisters are dead, there’s no way I’m giving you back
But thief, remember as we go on running through rivers and forest so fast
Save this to your internal drive
The time I was alive
There’s just one thing I’ve been waiting to say, since that very first moment when we ran away
For seven hundred years, I’ve wanted you to know
I just wanted to say
Hello
Hello
I ache. I cry and cry and cry. I need to get a handle on this and I don't even know where to begin. Every time I try to speak about it, I feel so weak and useless. I don't want to be needy and whining.
Russ feels like I don't tell him anything about what's going on in my head and maybe he's right. I just, I want to be strong for him and sometimes I can, but then I break and it blindsides him because I didn't say anything for so long. I don't know how to fix that. I'm being more and more introverted and the things I want to discuss the least are my failings, my weaknesses, my unrequited loves, my mourning the past. Yet, he feels like I'm not open to him if I don't force myself to speak of it all.
I miss you. I miss you more than I want to admit or more than I really can. I hate myself for every time it went wrong even though I can trace every single time to your lies. I'm not innocent. I never was. But the lies were always what set me off. I tried to trust despite them, back when it was just you and me and Russ was gone. I knew you lied but let you and trusted that you'd stay even though you kept lying. I don't know why I thought, when you came back, when you had very vital reasons to lie that you'd be truthful with anyone. I don't know why I thought it'd be any different. I don't know why, even knowing all that, I still look back and wish you were there, staring back at me, open arms, welcoming me, wanting me. God it hurts.
Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it's an ache I still remember
You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I'll admit that I was glad it was over
But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and I feel so rough
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
Part of me believing it was always something that I'd done
But I don't wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know
But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and I feel so rough
And you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Somebody
(I used to know)
Somebody
(Now you're just somebody that I used to know)
(I used to know)
(That I used to know)
(I used to know)
Somebody
I don't think I'm going to class tomorrow. 